Sunday, February 21, 2010

Laws of Japanese Animation

From that far-off time of the 1990's I bring you the Laws of Japanese Animation.


                   * * * Laws of Japanese Animation * * *
                    = = ============================ = =
                                Version 4.0
                            Compiled and edited by
                Ryan Shellito (rshellit@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu)
                Darrin Bright  (dbright@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu)
               
#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity

   The normal laws of physics do not apply.

#2 - Law of Differentiated Gravitation
 
   Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Accoustics

   In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion

   In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion

   The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves.  Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science. 

#6 - Law of Temporal Variability

   Time is not a constant.  Time stops for the hero whenever he does
   something 'cool' or 'impressive'.  Time slows down when friends and
   lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality

   'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.

#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality

   It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage.  Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead.  This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis

   Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).

#10 - Law of Dramatic Multiplicity

   Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the
   'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.

#11 - Law of Inherent Combustability

   Everything explodes.  Everything.

      First Corrallary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
     
      Second Corrallary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science.  Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".

#12 - Law of Phlogistatic Emission

   Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

#13 - Law of Energetic Emission

   There is always an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy
   'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire.  Because of the
   explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to
   the Law of Inherent Combustability.

#14 - Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude

   The destructive potential of a weapon is inversely proportional to
   its size.
  
#15 - Law of Inexhaustability

   No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition.  That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

#16 - Law of Inverse Accuracy

   The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm
   increases as the difficulty of the shot increases.  The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases.  (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect)  Example:  A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss. 

       First Corrallary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.

       Second Corrallary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.

       Third Corrallary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.

#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability

   Minmei is a bimbo.  (* Note: The Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff need to get out more. *)

#18 - Law of Hemoglobin Capacity

   The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood.  Sometimes more.

#19 - Law of Demonic Consistency

   Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes,
   loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not
   unknown, and can only be hurt bladed weapons. 

#20 - Law of Militaristic Unreliability

   Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
 
#21 - Law of Tactical Unreliability

   Tactical geniuses aren't....

#22 - Law of Inconsequential Undetectability

   People never notice the little things.... Like missing body parts,
   or wounds the size of Seattle.

#23 - Law of Juvenile Intellectuality

   Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.

#24 - Law of Antagonistic Americanthropomorphism

   The really nasty 'Bad Guys' are always skinny Americans.

#25 - Law of Americanthropomorphistic Intellectual Inferiority 

   The stupid 'Good Guys' are always big Americans.

      First Corrallary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect)

      Second Corrallary - The only people who are more stupid than the  American translators are the American editors and censors.

#26 - Law of Mandibular Proportionality
         (from a_hicks@lvc.edu and utmwilliams@msuvx1.memphis.edu)
  
   The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking.

#27 - Law of Feline Mutation
         (from a_hicks@lvc.edu)

   Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
      1) be female
      2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
      3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any

#28 - Law of Conservation of Firepower
         (from utmwilliams@msuvx1.memphis.edu)
  
   Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.

#29 - Law of Technological User-Benevolence
         (from utmwilliams@msuvx1.memphis.edu)

   The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

#30 - Law of Melee Luminescence
         (from utmwilliams@msuvx1.memphis.edu)

   Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura.  This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'.  This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

#31 - Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
         (from utmwilliams@msuvx1.memphis.edu)

    All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

### Notes ### : The few but very spirited responses we received from posting version 3.0 prompted us to add a few more laws.  We have endeavored to give proper credit to those individuals who offered suggestions/additions.  If no credit is given then the discoverer is either unknown or one of the authors.
We took the liberty of editing or discarding suggestions/additions that were vague, poorly worded, or just not universal enough to be a "Natural Law" of Japanese Animation.  Please feel free to send us suggestions or Gundam subs.

                     * * * C O M I N G   S O O N * * *
                      = = ======================= = =

     Just when you thought it was safe to blow up Neo-Tokyo again... 
A dark shadow spreads over your friendly neighborhood humanoid planet... 
Is it that time of month again for the Quadronos?  Is it the Robot Carnival?
No!  It's a Mutant... It's a Veritech...no, it's--

                        ANIME - THE DRINKING GAME !




------- End of Forwarded Message

2 comments:

Barking Alien said...

Classic.

I ran a quick one shot sentai game recently and I think we used about 90% of these laws.

Jerry Cornelius said...

Sounds awesome. Now that you mention it, most of them would be easy to incorporate in a game. Like the First Corollary of #16. Five "badguys" shooting at once means they're at -5 to-hit.

And James Cameron was obviously following #27 when he came up with Neytiri.